Five Common Scenarios In Which We Resort to the Wrong Approach

Adam Kahane's newest book argues for the judicious use of both power and love in combination (each combination being unique to the situation at hand) to effect change and resolve conflict in communities and groups. There are many situations where we make the mistake of resorting to pure force (power) to achieve the desired goal, or want to avoid conflict altogether (love) in the hopes that peace will inevitably prevail with kindness. These situations are found not only in war-torn regions of the developing world, but in our everyday lives with our families, friends, and colleagues.

Here Adam presents the five common scenarios where we resort to only power or only love when we should use both:

a. Common Power-Only Scenario #1: We are so afraid of being hurt that we deny or cut off our love and connection to others, attacking them (and/or defending ourselves) aggressively.

Example: Have you ever walked away from a friendship or relationship that felt difficult, because this seemed easier than confronting the person and taking the risk of having to face some unpleasant revelations about yourself?”

b. Common Power-Only Scenario #2: We are so sure of the correctness of our beliefs and actions that we deny or forget that we might be wrong -- and that we might be hurting others.

Example: Have you ever vigorously pushed an idea or initiative that you were certain was right, over the objections of others, only to find that ultimately it wasn't right?

c. Common Love-Only Scenario #1: We are so afraid of hurting others that we deny or cut off our own ambition and power.

Example: Have you ever buried ideas or initiatives that were important to you, because you were worried that they might offend or upset someone you really cared about?

d. Common Love-Only Scenario #2: We are so uneasy with or lacking in confidence in our own power that we pretend we have none -- and so flail about timidly and unconsciously.

Example: Have you ever found yourself manipulating other people towards your own motives because you aren't willing to step up to say what you want and what you are willing to do to get it?

e. Common Love-Only Scenario #3: We are so determined to keep our situation polite or high-minded or whole that we suppress self-expression, dissent, and conflict--and thereby making our situation unhealthy and un-whole.

Have you ever swept problems in a group under the carpet or ignored them in order to keep the group intact, only to find these problems coming back bigger and more destructive?

What are your personal experiences with power and love? Share with the community below...

Five Cases of Professional Self-Deception

We’d like to think that our grip on reality is pretty solid and we know what’s going on better than most people. We're wrong. Professionals and learned people deceive themselves about their abilities and capabilities as much as anyone else. Here are just five examples from research in the field:

1. "I'm the most competent person here." Ninety-four percent of American university professors think they are better at their jobs than their colleagues. -- Dr. Ashley Wazana in JAMA Vol. 283 No. 3, January 19, 2000.

2. "I don't have biases or prejudices like others do." A Princeton University research team asked people to estimate how susceptible they and "the average person" were to a long list of judgmental biases. The overwhelming majority of people claimed to be less biased than the overwhelming majority of people. --Daniel Gilbert, I'm OK; You're Biased

3."I am a better leader than most." Seventy percent of college students think they are above average in leadership ability. Only two percent think they are below average. --Thomas Gilovich, How We Know What Isn't So

4."Special allowances should be made for my particular industry." Eighty-five percent of medical students think it is improper for politicians to accept gifts from lobbyists. Only 46 percent think it's improper for physicians to accept gifts from drug companies. -- Dr. Ashley Wazana in JAMA Vol. 283 No. 3, January 19, 2000.

5. "I am not as easily bought off as others." A 2001 study of medical residents found that 84 percent thought that their colleagues were influenced by gifts from pharmaceutical companies, but only 16 percent thought that they were similarly influenced. --Daniel Gilbert, I'm OK; You're Biased

Has this list compelled you to think about any of your own self-deceptions? Anything you’d care to share below?

Five Good Reasons to Challenge the Heirarchy

Ira Chaleff has spent a lifetime coaching and working with executives on issues of courage. He believes that part of being a good follower, and a hallmark of true followership, is to stand up and challenge our leaders when we disagree with their principles, motivations, or actions.

Sure, it's easier to keep a low profile and not draw attention to yourself, but Ira warns us why taking that route leads to its own share of problems by presenting the five solid reasons why you should speak up to authority when the situation warrants it:

1) Because “boss” is just what you call him or her. Underneath the title is a human being. All human beings are fallible, including you. You’re not challenging the boss’s position, just the blind spot. Helping each other see the limitations in our thinking or the blind spots in our actions helps each of us to be better.

2) Because you believe in the mission of the organization and want it to succeed. If the boss, or the boss’s boss’s boss is contemplating an action based on an inaccurate assessment of the situation, your speaking up can prevent setbacks to the mission. This is good, right?

3) Because you have the courage to live by your values. If we compromise our values enough we cease being proud of who we are. You want to be proud of yourself, don’t you? Living with integrity takes courage.

4) Because no one else is going to do it. We wait for others to step in to the line of fire so that we can piggy-back on them to lessen any negative consequences of speaking up. That’s a problem — everyone is waiting for someone else to step up first, so no one does. The ship goes down.

5) Because it earns you respect from both your colleagues and your bosses. Your boss may not like hearing your challenge, but as long as he or she is not clinically paranoid, a strong boss will respect you for speaking up. So will your colleagues. You might even get promoted. If you do, remember to be a courageous boss.

Thoughts? Reactions? Chime in.

Five Ways To Cool the Air

Working towards resolving issues or problems can be awkward at first given the raw emotions involved. Author Stewart Levine, no stranger to the negotiation field as a professional consultant, negotiator, and former lawyer, has five key things to observe for a productive and supportive exchange:

1.Don't be so quick to blame or make someone the enemy. Surprisingly, most conflict is not the result of any kind of negative intention but miscommunication or misperception. Because we are all different in our approach to conflict, we need to agree clearly at the beginning as to exactly what the issue is. Inexact language only encourages conflict, so before you start assuming the worst of the other person, make sure you’re understanding the issue at heart.

2. When you are feeling stress, ask for a "time out" until you have your emotions under control. Conflict provokes a stress reaction. Before you can engage in meaningful collaborative dialogue, you must manage your stress. You’d be amazed what five minutes and a glass of cool water can do to reduce the tension.

3. The most powerful form of negotiating is to ask them what they want and create a way to give it to them. And let them know what you want and ask them to work on getting you what you want. Yes, it sounds a lot easier than it is, but you’d be surprised how many people don’t approach conflict mediation with this simple attitude that can make all the difference in the outcome.

4. Conflict lives inside each of us as a story -- it's the way we talk to ourselves about the situation. For both catharsis, and to share details, everyone involved should have their chance to tell their story from beginning to end (as should you), without interruption. And tell the whole story. Withholding vital information never works so you might as well let it all out and deal with it.

5. It’s tempting to try and end a mediation quickly by addressing only a few superficial issues and then concluding the exchange to escape the tension inherent to such meetings. Don't do it. The goal is always to reach a new agreement for the future and not for the present, otherwise the issues will just come up again. Think in terms of a long term resolution, not a short term transaction. Thinking long term will help you to create a sustainable relationship that can last longer and weather the bumps that are part of any partnership.

Remember: almost all conflict is emotionally motivated. The same emotional triggers prevent the resolution of conflict. Deal with the emotion and whatever the conflict was about will resolve itself.

Do you agree with Stewart? Do you have any insights or comments? Chime in below.

Five Things You Didn't Know About Killer Whales

Killer Whales have always gotten a bad rap (and the name doesn't help). But, as trainers and authors Thad Lacinak and Chuck Tompkins will tell you, they're a lot more interesting than they are threatening. Here are five quick facts that you probably never knew about them:

1. They’re Not Whales. Killer whales are dolphins, not whales. The term “Killer Whale” is actually a corruption of a Spanish Basque term meaning “Whale Killer.” Orcas (as they are also called) will, on occasion, hunt whales for food.

2. They Have to Think About Breathing 24/7. Orcas are active breathers, which means that every breath they take is a conscious act – in other words, they have to remember to breath.

3. They’re Not Killers Either – Of Humans Anyway. There has never been a single confirmed report of an Orca killing a human in the wild.

4. They Don’t Sleep. Orcas don’t sleep – at least, not the way other animals do, because they are active breathers. Orcas “sleep” by shutting down only one hemisphere of their brain at a time, thereby allowing them to both rest in cycles while maintaining control over their breathing.

5. Mama Calls the Shots. Resident Orcas live and travel in groups or pods strictly organized along lines of maternal relatedness. Studies of resident killer whales have been able to identify maternal lineage through the tight bond between mother and offspring. Paternal lineage is unknown. Many of these groups are families that contain up to four generations of whales, consisting of three to nine individuals.

Thoughts? Reactions? Sudden urge to Tivo Animal Planet?

What Do Women Bring to the Table?

Linda Tarr-Whelan is a premier expert on women’s leadership in this country and internationally. She is a distinguished senior fellow of the national think tank Demos and served as ambassador to the UN Commission on the Status of Women in the Clinton administration and as deputy assistant for women’s concerns to President Jimmy Carter in the Carter White House.

Balanced leadership that meets the 30% Solution – enough women at the table to be heard and heeded brings benefits for everyone. The positive difference works for men and women. Other countries have moved aggressively to tap all their talent, not just half. Here’s what both research and experience show are the reasons why. Women lead the way to:

1. A Better Bottom-line – Companies have a higher profits and weather financial storms better with more risk awareness and less hyper-competitiveness. The self-sustaining “old boys network“ at the top reinforces old ways of business and lacks the flexibility needed for a complex and fast-changing world.

2. Better Policies -- Often neglected issues like education, the well-being of children, ending violence against women and fostering entrepreneurship come to the fore. Regardless of party, women elected officials work across party lines for outcomes, not just “gotcha” politics. The door is wedged open with more opportunity for more women.

3. An Integrated Life – Better family and work policies add to productivity and a higher quality of life, especially family life. With virtually every parent in the workforce, the forced decisions about management of time between family and work can be mitigated by new policies and ways of doing business.

4. A Revitalized Social Contract – the engagement of women in the community is reflected in increased commitment to both personal and corporate social responsibility and longer-term and wider horizons for determining policies and programs.

5. 21st Century Management – Partnerships, teamwork, consensus building and collaborative decision-making are hallmarks of successful businesses – and of women’s leadership and management styles. Mission-driven outcomes are the result. Today’s workforce is increasingly motivated to participate and work for outcomes beyond a paycheck.

Do you agree? Disagree? Have an opinion? Chime in below.

Collective Folly: Five Things to Avoid

The authors of The Power of Collective Wisdom put together this simple list of the five things to look out for regarding collective folly:

a. Confirmation Bias: We fall victim to the tendency to search for and interpret information in ways that confirm our existing pre-conceptions. Such a bias prevents us from seeing new ideas or other possibilities.

b. The One True Answer: We begin to believe (perhaps because of a too-narrow view of possibilities) that there is only one right answer or approach to solve a problem or arrive at a solution. We become rigid and dogmatic.

c. Polarization, Initial: Individuals and sub groups become polarized in their views and polarized from each other, no longer listening or considering new possibilities.

d. Polarization, Deepening: As levels of polarization grow, each new piece of information or viewpoint becomes additional fodder used to attack an “other.”

e. Impasse: The group discovers it is deadlocked. Worse yet, neither side is able to see how their own rigidity weakens the aims of the entire group or collective. The focus of attention is no longer on the issues needing resolution but on the unreasonable position of the other.

The result? Collective folly, the absence of sound judgment and the potential for a continuum of behaviors ranging from foolish behavior to criminality, evil, and depravity on a mass scale.

Agree? Disagree? Chime in below.

Five Lessons Learned and Not Forgotten

Every consultant, coach, and business thinker has a list of leadership lessons/do's and dont's, so why should you read Mark's? Because Mark Miller began his Chick-fil-A career working as an hourly team member at the company’s Southlake Mall location in 1977 and worked his way up to the position he holds today as the Vice President for Learning & Development at Chick-fil-A. During his time with Chick-fil-A, annual sales have grown to over $3 billion.

Consider these five leadership lessons Mark learned as he worked his way from the front counter to senior leadership:

Lesson 1: Yes, Leadership Matters. Schools, homes, churches, hospitals, governments, armies and businesses are the product of leadership. Leadership determines the reach, depth, scope and ultimately the success of any enterprise.

Lesson 2: Leadership Always Begins With A Picture of the Future. Leaders always see a better tomorrow, and more importantly, leaders see it before others see it. This vision is formed through a combination of experience, expertise and intuition. The best leaders use this picture of the future to drive the behaviors of today.

Lesson 3: Not Everyone Wants To Be A Leader. In fact, most people are willing followers. But the best leaders are followers too because they serve others before themselves. A servant-leader mentality is what separates great leaders from the mediocre ones. Followers know that it is a gift to be well led.

Lesson 4: Leaders Initiate Change. Great leaders don’t initiate change for change’s sake or to follow whatever is the current trend in management, but for the sake of real progress. This change is often uncomfortable, but it is necessary. Change is the price of progress.

Lesson 5: Great Leaders Earn Trust Over Time. A leader is always being observed, so if the leader's actions are inconsistent with their words, it is immediately noticed. Consistency from the leader creates a platform for trust and credibility - it also creates a model for others to emulate.

Do you have any thoughts, reactions, or other points to add? Chime in below.

Five Misconceptions about Compromise at Work

Elizabeth Doty has conducted extensive research into personal integrity and authenticity in organizations and has seen how people get caught in traps where they compromise their personal values for what they believe is a greater goal (career, income, etc.). If there's one thing Elizabeth has learned, it is that nothing is worth compromising one's core values. Here are five myths about making compromises at work:

Myth 1: Good companies and leaders don't create unhealthy pressure to compromise. Actually, even good companies and leaders can create an unhealthy pressure to compromise because of leadership blind spots and inattention. One study in 2007 by the National Ethics Resource Center showed that even in companies with a strong ethical culture, up to 24% of employees observed at least one incidence of ethical misconduct within the prior twelve months.

Myth 2: You always know if and when you're crossing a line. The truth is that compromise is more likely to be gradual because systemic blinders make it hard to see at the time. According to Max Bazerman, ethicist and negotiations expert at Harvard Business School, “Even good people sometimes will act unethically without their own awareness.” Numerous studies show this is true, due to biased and faulty perception, and natural human over-confidence.

Myth 3: You should just say no. "Just say no" is one strategy, but you'll need to be ready with more than just that when the pressure hits. You do need to be ready and willing to say no at any time. Yet the main reason people fail to say no is they do not feel strong enough when the pressure hits. The real moment of choice is far upstream, when you build up the personal foundations that give you the independence and courage to do the right thing.

Myth 4: Refusing to compromise means fighting back. Fighting is one option but it's not the only one. It is easy to end up in a battle of egos that is more about being right rather than helping the right thing happen. If you have built your skills, you have several options in addition to fighting back –- including candid conversations and skillful influence. The key is to choose the one that will yield the best outcome.

Myth 5: The company sets the terms. The company may have some terms but more is negotiable than you think. Organizations operate more like social networks than strict chains of command. Decisions and policies are continually shaped and reshaped through daily interactions where followers influence leaders as well as other followers. This means that though there are real risks, there is also room to negotiate if you are
creative.

Thoughts? Reactions? Comments?

Why You Are A Victim (But May Not Know It)

Noah Blumenthal points out that to become heroes we need to realize that we're often trapped in a cycle of victimhood that only encourages passivity and inaction. The truth is that no one makes us victims, we do it all ourselves.

Consider these five ways we make ourselves victims without even realizing it:

1. We let other people own our emotions. “He makes me so mad.” “It’s her fault I feel this way.” No one forces you to feel anything. Whether or not you realize it those feelings are still your choice. Other people have their own issues to work out, and sometimes those issues lead them to push you toward anger or misery. If you accept their push you are making yourself a victim of their action instead of the hero in this story.

2. We allow injustice to make us completely miserable. “It’s not fair.” When this becomes a mantra that rules our emotions, we have become victims of the world around us. Very little in this world is fair, but that’s not the point. We have much to be grateful for and much to do. Focus on the positive elements in your life and you gain the energy to take action against the injustices you see.

3. We get caught up in “Why?” “Why is this happening to me?” “Why do I have to go through this?” There are usually no good answers to these questions. And the questions themselves create more self-pity, sadness, anger, and bitterness. To find a heroic response we need to shift from “Why?” to “What?” “What should I be thankful for?” “What can I do now?”

4. We think that a problem is too big. “Global warming is beyond my control.” “I can’t fight corporate corruption. It’s too wide spread.” Nonsense. Every great challenge is overcome when a multitude of small, perhaps seemingly insignificant, actions become overwhelming in their momentum and force.

5. We equate frightening options with no options. “There’s nothing I can do.” This is just a more comfortable way of saying "I’m afraid of what will happen if I take action." We always have options, though they may be scary. We may need to risk our comfort or ego or luxury or standing, but there is always something we can choose to do.

Do you agree with Noah? Disagree? Other thoughts or comments? You know what to do....

The Art of Turning Walls into Bridges

Representative Kyrsten Sinema was born in Tucson, Arizona, in 1976 and has lived in Phoenix since 1995. First elected to the State Legislature in 2004, she was re-elected in 2006 to continue serving central Phoenix in District 15. Kyrsten's book, Unite and Conquer, is out now.

Identifying common ground with someone holding different views from you remains the fundamental first step to building a winning coalition. Too often, we assume that we can't possibly work successfully with others who think differently from us. This fallacy builds walls between us that get in the way of reaching our mutual goals. (For some, it's winning a campaign, and for others, it might be taking over the world.) Consider Kyrsten's five quick tips to help you start breaking the proverbial bread with that person you've always argued with:

1. Laugh. And by laugh, I mean laugh at something other than the person you're working to build a bridge with. I typically start with myself. (Luckily, I have lots of flaws so there's tons to make fun of.) If you are uptight and unable to make fun of yourself, or if you're perfect, then laugh at something harmless - like your mom. Laughing with another person breaks down barriers almost instantly, leaving two people enjoying the happy moment that comes with joy, smiles, and a great joke. Once you've shared a good laugh with another person, neither of you will forget that little bond you share.

2. Chill out. We build walls so quickly, laying brick after brick with every rude, insensitive, boorish, or flat-out wrong comment made by another person. Some people specialize in barbs that psyche you into warp speed, building sky-high walls. Only when we consciously remind ourselves that their barbs and boorish comments are about them, not us, can we stop building and relax. Those who make frequent comments that poke others are simply sharing their insecurities about their own selves or positions. Instead of building higher walls in response, think how lucky you are not to be burdened with that insecurity. Responding maturely without ire will not only prevent your walls from going up, they'll chip away at his/her walls, too.

3. Ask about his/her kids. Or his/her alma mater, or sports, or knitting, or favorite food. Actually, ask about anything. When you take the time to learn a little something about another person's life, you get a glimpse into that person's realness. Not only do you see the other person in a new light, that person will see you in a different light as well. It becomes a lot harder to detest the person who shares the same frustration you feel about your 13 year old daughter's phone habits.

4. Take a walk on the wild side. Spend some time learning about the "other side" - whether that other side means another person, group, or just some stuff you understand. Reading the Economist, listening to a sermon, attending a meeting or lecture, or, in my case, watching Fox News -- all are venues to learn about those who are different than yourself. While much of today's media highlights the differences between us, (trust me on this, I am in politics after all) these are often overblown, cartoonish versions of real people and real life. Spending some time learning about the other peopke or their stuff can help demystify them and perhaps even burst some of your preconceived bubbles about them.

5. Listen. This one remains my favorite. It's also the one I'm worst at. Listening to others can be so hard, especially when I am bursting with so many brilliant things to say! But talking and talking and talking without leaving space in your head to listen only pushes people away. Take time to listen to what others say - and more importantly, what they mean. Listening for understanding can break down parts of the wall that are based on misconceptions, rumors, or faulty facts. Listening also symbolizes respect - listening to another, even if you don't agree with his/her statements tells that person that you care and that you respect him/her.

Do you have any other ideas for building bridges or any comments on Kyrsten's hints? Chime in below.

Drucker's Wisdom: Five Nuggets

Peter Drucker, who died in 2005 at 95, was known as “the father of modern management.” Bruce Rosenstein interviewed and wrote about Drucker both for USA TODAY and his new book Living in More Than One World: How Peter Drucker’s Wisdom Can Inspire and Transform Your Life. Bruce calls it “the self-help guide Drucker never wrote, and the next best thing to being mentored by him.” Consider these five tips for leading a meaningful and fulfilling life from Drucker’s life and work.

1. Live in more than one world
The most satisfied, contented people, in Drucker’s estimation, lead multidimensional lives with diverse people, activities and pursuits. This can provide a cushion against setbacks in life, especially at work, and gives you the opportunity for new knowledge, professional advancement and leadership experience.

2. Tap into the power of an achievement focus
Drucker believed that making money as a primary goal was short-sighted. If you are achievement-focused rather than money-focused, you will gain satisfaction from leaving behind something of value for other people and future generations.

3. Make a (flexible) plan for the coming year
At some point during the year (and it doesn’t have to be the end of the calendar year), assess what worked and what didn’t in your personal and professional life during the past year. Did the results surprise you? They often did for Drucker. This can be an excellent starting point for redirecting your priorities for the following year.

4. Run with success
Drucker ran with what was successful in his life, and didn’t worry too much about things that didn’t work out as well as he’d hoped. (Example: He wrote and published two novels in the 1980s that didn’t sell well.) He had an interesting spin on a well-known saying: “If at first you don’t succeed,” Drucker said, “try once more, and then try something else.”

5. Give back by teaching
Drucker said that no one learns as much as the person who must teach his subject. Think about giving back to society or your profession by getting into part-time teaching, either as a volunteer or as an adjunct professor at a local university.

Thoughts? Reactions? Other Drucker-isms? Chime in below.

More Damage Than Good?

Andrea Batista Schlesinger is the Executive Director of the Drum Major Institute and a key player in progressive politics and policy. Consider Andrea's five reasons why the involvement of young people in politics, even in the Obama era, is a cause for concern:

1. Young people aren’t really following the news.
Despite being always “online,”today’s young people follow the news less than any previous generation, research shows. Despite the abundance of news updates – or perhaps because of them – young people have developed a habit of superficially grazing on the news and not digging very deeply.

2. Young people connect globally but remain unprepared to act locally.
Our No Child Left Behind era doesn't value civics. Even the best programs, like the Center for Civic Education’s excellent Project Citizen (which challenges children to identify community problems, learn about local government, and propose solutions) reach only a fraction of America's students. Civics teaches young people how to affect local democracy; without it, how will young people learn to interact with their local city governments, school boards, and state legislatures?

3. Millennials are a generation of “problem solvers.”
Some have characterized the millennial generation as problem-solvers who act directly on issues and don’t believe in waiting around for the government to create change. Great! However, real change comes from collectively affecting government policy -- a drier prospect that admittedly holds less appeal for most people and results in less energy and action around the all-important process of changing and creating new policies.

4. Political parties still only care about young people every four years.
Young people remained disengaged from politics up until the last two years because political parties were not interested in their engagement. It's been a brutally self-fulfilling prophecy for too long: parties don't bother to try to get the youth vote out, so the youth don't vote, so the parties don't care. Despite young people's roles in the Obama campaign, don’t be surprised if the larger political infrastructure ignores young people’s political involvement. Until 2012, that is. 

5. Certain influential people don't want young people to be informed or engaged.
The Manhattan Institute – an exceptionally well-funded conservative think tank – has a new pet peeve: social justice education.  Sol Stern, a fellow, makes a practice of attacking some schools for their desire to engage young people in creating change in their communities. Without such instruction, these young people will not know how to go about creating real change, and possibly do more damage than good.

Do you agree with Andrea or do you feel otherwise? Are there other hidden dangers in political involvement by youth, or is she not addressing other crucial factors that argue against her stance? Weigh in below.

Meetings and How to Do Them Right

Bestselling authors Mike Song, Tim Burress, and Vicki Halsey outline five ways to cut through the clutter to create shorter, more effective meetings using P.O.S.E.:

The key to reducing meeting time is to P.O.S.E. the right questions before accepting an invitation to an optional meeting:

1. Priority vs. Availability: Rather than check availability first when presented with a meeting invite – check your priorities and goals. Is this really where you need to be spending your time?

2.Objenda: Know the objective and agenda (we refer to this as an Objenda) of the meeting before accepting. Once the purpose and structure of the meeting is clear, you may realize that you no longer need to attend. If you blindly accept a topic as your only criteria for attending – you’ll be sitting in a lot of dead-end meetings. You’ll be better prepared and more productive when you have an objenda for every meeting you attend.

3.Shorten: Many meetings are scheduled for an hour because e-calendar tools like Outlook have presets for one hour. If you only need 40 minutes, override the presets and have a shorter meeting. Never schedule 60 minute meetings, always schedule 50 minute meetings. You’ll cut total meeting time and build transition time in so you won’t be late for the next one. Asking “can we cover this in 20 minutes instead of 60" is a great question.

4.E-Vailability: Sometimes we think we’re available but we’re not. Make sure your e-calendar reflects your true availability -- we call this e-vailability. Schedule me-time into your calendar to signify to yourself and others that you are booked at certain times. You’ll meet less and get more done when you’ve blocked out time for essential projects. Use me time to prep for important presentations, complete complex projects, or sort out a bloated inbox.


What do you think? Helpful? Not helpful? Ideas? Suggestions?

Five Wrong Questions to Ask

Marilee Adams' second edition of her bestselling work explores further the concept of questions and knowing the right questions to ask at the right times. However, Some of the questions we all ask prove to be more detrimental than helpful. Consider these five questions that you should avoid asking yourself at all times, even though they may still seem natural and familiar. All of these questions have built-in assumptions that can prevent the question asker from being successful or satisfied.

As you go through your day, listen to the questions you’re asking yourself and then wonder whether the inherent assumptions serve you. Sometimes you’ll find that you can be more successful and satisfied by changing your questions.

1. Why can’t I ever get anything right?
This is a bad question to ask yourself because it:
• Assumes that one is, was, and always will be incompetent and unsuccessful
• Assumes that there is nothing one can do about this “truth”

2. How did I get stuck with this idiot of a boss (spouse, child, colleague, etc.)?
This is a bad question to ask yourself because it:
• Assumes that one had no responsibility in contributing to this situation
• Assumes that one is good and pure and it’s everybody else who is deficient

3. What dumb thing is he/she going to say next?
This is a bad question to ask yourself because it:
• Assumes that whatever the other person says is always dumb
• Assumes that he or she never has anything helpful to say

4. How can I’m prove that I’m right (and everyone else is wrong)?
This is a bad question to ask yourself because it:
• Assumes that being right is the “end all and be all”
• Assumes that ones own point of view is the only right one
• Assumes that only one person or point of view can be right and valid

5. Whose fault is it? What is everybody else’s responsibility for this problem?
This is a bad question to ask yourself because it:
• Assumes that what’s important is finding a person to blame rather than focusing on resolving whatever the problem is
• Assumes that it was only others who contributed to the problem, not oneself

What questions do you think are the wrong ones to ask?

Five Ways That Introverts Make Good Leaders

Jennifer Kahnweiler dispels the myth that introverts are at a disadvantage in leadership roles. If anything, Jennifer argues, introverts have special skills that actually make them very good leaders. Consider the five ways introverted leaders tend to:

1. Think first, talk later. Introverted leaders think before they speak. Even in casual conversation, they consider others’ comments carefully, and stop and reflect before responding. Their tendency to be more measured with words is a major asset in today’s recession, when no leader can afford to make a costly gaffe.

2. Focus on depth. Introverted leaders seek depth over breadth. They like to dig deep—delving into issues and ideas before moving on to new ones. They are drawn to meaningful conversations—not superficial chit-chat—and know how to ask great questions and really listen to people’s answers.

3. Exude calm. Introverted leaders are low-key. In times of crisis, they project a reassuring, calm confidence—think President Obama—and regardless of the heat of the conversation or circumstances, speak softly and slowly.

4. Let their fingers do the talking. Introverted leaders prefer writing to talking. They opt for e-mail over the telephone and meet face-to-face only when necessary. Today, their comfort with the written word helps them better leverage online social networking tools such as Twitter—creating new opportunities
to be “out there” with employees as they deal with uncertainty and fear.

5. Embrace solitude. Introverted leaders are energized by spending time alone. Sufferers of people exhaustion, they frequently need to retreat to recharge their batteries. These regular timeouts fuel their thinking, creativity, and decision-making, and when the pressure is on, help them be responsive— not reactive.

Agree? Disagree? Thoughts? Chime in below.

Five Reasons for Not Apologizing

John Kador's new book focuses on the power of effective apology. John does want to warn you, however, that sometimes issuing an apology is not the right thing to do. Here are five situations where an apology may do more damage than good:

1. When an apology would cause harm.
Delayed apologies—apologies for an event that occurred long ago—are risky. The victim may welcome an apology even after years or decades. Or the apology may revictimize the victim. Here’s the test: if you conclude that your apology is guided more by redemption for yourself than compassion for the victim, then let a direct apology go. Deal with your issues in confession or therapy.

2. When it’s likely that you will repeat the offending behavior.
Be honest. If you can’t commit to ending the offending conduct, then an apology is just another excuse.

3. When you’re not prepared to provide restitution.
You can’t talk your way out of a situation you acted your way into. If you borrowed your friend’s car and got a parking ticket, then you have to pay the fine as the central part of the apology. If you can’t afford to do that, then you can’t afford the apology.

4. When the offense hasn’t happened yet.
Apologizing in advance is bogus. The very essence of apology supposes accepting responsibility for an event that has already taken place, expressing regret that it happened, and promising not to repeat the behavior. Apology is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. To suggest that a proposed behavior is less regrettable if you pre-apologize for it and then do it anyway is just moral laziness.

5. When someone else is responsible for the offense.
It’s meaningless for you to apologize for, say, the excesses of The Crusades. You weren’t there. In technical terms you have no standing to apologize. By the same token, if the party who should apologize refuses to do, you can’t do so on their behalf. What if the offender works for you? You can certainly apologize for your own carelessness (deficiencies in hiring or supervision, for example), but one adult cannot apologize on behalf of another adult.

What do you think? Agree? Disagree? Want to say something? Say it below.

Five Ways Our Culture Doesn’t Look at Issues in Terms of the Long Run

The Rev. Dr. Michael A. Schuler serves as the Parish Minister of the First Unitarian Society of Madison. During his 17-year tenure, the Society has grown rapidly to over 1300 adult members and approximately 200 active affiliates; 450 children are registered for Church School and youth activities. In his book, he discusses how and why our culture is obsessed with material gain and instant gratification and how this will do a tremendous amount of damage to our planet and our communities. here are five places where our culture seems so focused on the quick returns that it doesn't take into account the long-term damage:

1. Encouraging the rapid depletion of the planet's natural capital by externalizing those costs, thus keeping the price of commodities artificially low.

2. Allowing poorly-conceived "cookie-cutter" development proposals to undercut efforts to preserve and protect the most unique an livable qualities of our towns and cities.

3. Failing to consistently emphasize the personal and social benefits provided by enduring personal friendships and partnerships.

4. Seducing individuals and institutions into "get rich quick" schemes rather than promote a sustainable and ultimately more prudent approach to financial planning.

5. Successfully creating a near-universal craving for nutritionally deficient and environmentally toxic fast- and convenience foods.

Any thoughts, responses, or arguments? Chime in below.

The Four Ways You Can Waste Your Employee Recognition Budget

At some point or another you’ve been ‘rewarded’ for your hard work with only a t-shirt or some other form of recognition that just didn’t cut it. Cindy Ventrice has made it her life's work to educate managers about how to build real recognition programs that notice and value employee contributions. Here are five common types of recognition that still tend to be used despite having no positive effect:

1. Employee of the Month Awards –For most people, Employee of the Month is the first program that comes to mind when they think employee recognition. It is also the type of program that is most likely to be a supreme failure. Why? Generally, employee reaction is one of three: “Why did they pick her?” “It figures, since he is the bosses pet,” or “Who’s turn is it this month?”

2. Bonuses/Incentives – Bonuses and incentives get misclassified as recognition, but they are compensation. If you expect bonuses to change the level of satisfaction with recognition, you will be disappointed.

3. Trinkets – T-shirts, mugs, pens with the company logo, your employees have figured out that these are advertising, not recognition. You can turn a trinket into effective recognition. Provide a specific, sincere message along with the trinket and it becomes an example of meaningful recognition.

4. Gift Cards and Catalogues – There is a whole recognition industry built around gift cards and catalogues of merchandise, and they are definitely popular. Yet most of these awards end up being perceived more as compensation than recognition. Again, it comes down to the message that is attached to the award.

Meaningful recognition is always about the message. When you have the budget, awards are fine—if you remember to make them tangible reminders of something positive.

Do you agree? Disagree? Have other examples of recognition that are basically useless? Write in your comments below.

Ten Words to Help You Care for Your Soul (and Those of Others)

More than a decade of working with others who are suffering or in pain took its toll on Laura, just as it has taken its toll on anyone who has worked in the social service field for an extended period of time. How do you keep from internalizing all the pain and suffering when you are exposed to it daily? Laura finally figured it out, which is why you should read her book. In the meantime, here are Laura's ten words of advice (organized into three short mantras) to keep in mind to carry your soul through the journey ahead:

1. Be Conscious - A lack of consciousness, awareness, and presence accounts for much of the pain, struggle, and hardship the world currently faces. By remaining conscious of our speech, manner, and conduct at all times (or as frequently as we can...), we create positive social and environmental change. At the very least, we do less harm to ourselves or others and, at most, we contribute to the health and well being of others, ourselves, and our planet.

2. Sustain Yourself - We have an ethical obligation to sustain ourselves before we work to sustain others or the planet. Only through caring for ourselves - mind, body, spirit - are we going to have the energy and clarity to keep doing our best, day in and day out - for the long haul. If you don't have your own A game, you won't have it for others.

3. Contribute Wise to the World's Needs - Think about what the world needs right now, and then consider how your daily intentions relate to that need and merge the two. Ask yourself, "what do I want to get better at?" and then think of how that passion can bring benefit to the world. We can agree that the world doesn't need more contempt, cynicism, gossiping, addictions, or scapegoating. But intentionality, mindfulness, proactive awareness...now we're talking! So when we're able to notice our actions, we can gently ask ourselves, "Is what I'm doing right now what I want to be getting better at?" and if you're feeling inspired, follow it up with, "To what benefit for the world, is this action I'm taking?"

As Howard Thurman reminds us, "...Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

Any thoughts, feedback, or suggestions of your own? Chime in below.

Five Scientific Studies that Support the Idea of a Living Universe

Duane Elgin knows that most people think of the idea of a living universe as a sort of a metaphysical concept or spiritual ideology. However, there are numerous pieces of research that lend scientific support to the idea that the universe is a living entity. Here are just five:

1. An international panel from the Russian Academy of Sciences, the Max Planck institute in Germany, and the University of Sydney published an article in the New Journal of Physics in 2007 stating that computer simulations now show that electrically charged specks of interstellar dust organize into DNA-like double helixes and display properties normally attributed to living systems, such as evolving and reproducing.

2. The Urey-Miller experiment that simulated the theorized early pre-life conditions on Earth, and produced amino acids, suggests that the universe is essentially biological. The ammonia used was obtained by a process involving hydrogen of bio-origin, and the methane was also biological in origin. Non-biological catalysts would be poisoned almost instantaneously by sulfur gases under pre-life conditions. What this means is that most of the material in interstellar grains must be organic or life itself would have been impossible.

3. The universe has a memory. University of AZ scientists Gary Schwartz and Linda Russek have argued (and published papers and a book asserting) that all dynamic systems, including galaxies and star systems, have memory in the sense of adaptability based on previous events, and based on this memory, the universe evolves and grows in a particular manner -- with intention. Such intention is an indicator of intelligent life.

4. Every time a black hole collapses into a singularity and a new baby universe is formed with a new space-time, the laws of physics that are born with it are slightly different. The force of gravity, for example, may be a little stronger--or weaker--than in the parent, and the "offspring" star systems theoretically outlive their parent systems. The process resembles the way mutations provide the variability among organic life forms on which natural selection can operate. Inanimate and inorganic systems would not do this because there is no reason for them to do it. This research was published in 2005 by Lee Smolin, professor of physics at the Center for Gravitational Physics and Geometry at Pennsylvania State University.

5. One of the biological definitions of life is autopoiesis, literally self-creation. Biologist Dr. Elizabet Sahtouris wrote that evolutionists recognize the universe as a giant self-organizing living cell. For example, the earth continually recycles itself through tectonic plate activity and weather patterns. Earth gains ever greater complexity by evolving tiny cells on its surface through the intelligent alliance of DNA and proteins. These cells evolve enormous variety and complexity by exchanging their genomes as DNA becomes the planetary language of life, permitting blueprints to be encoded and shared among all Earth's creatures from the tiniest singe-celled bacteria to the largest mammoths and redwoods. Other planets and whole systems and galaxies also behave similarly. Such acts of self-creation cannot logically be assumed to only exist on earth.

And...as a bonus, noted astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson states that "Humans are chemically connected with life on other star systems and atomically connected with all matter in the universe."

Convinced? Confused? Skeptical? Weigh in!

Five Ways to Recognize People Who Glow

Lynda Gratton is considered to be one of the top fifty business thinkers in the world today. Her latest book focuses on how to identify and foster people in organizations who "glow." These people radiate enthusiasm and positivity, and are key to any organization's success.

Here are Lynda's five ways to recognize a glower:

1. You will feel their good natured cooperation and their capacity to give you their time and attention…they truly practice the habits of cooperation.

2. They will surprise you by their breadth of experiences and the wide range and engaging stories they tell…they have collected many ideas from the different people they know.

3. You remain engaged in meaningful conversation with them … they give you time and you enjoy their company.

4. You find yourself volunteering to work with them … they have a vision which really excites and intrigues you.

5. You find yourself drawn to them through the questions they ask … these resonate with you and you know them to be courageous and important

Do these sound like anyone you know? What are your thoughts?

Six Ways to Engage People in Tough Times

It's difficult enough to engage and motivate people, but given our current economic climate, it seems almost impossible. Almost. Bestselling author Ken Thomas has six proven ways to engage, motivate, and help your talent glow:

1. Pay attention to the day-to-day rewards that sustain their attention and enthusiasm. We often think of motivation as wanting something. Instead, focus on what keeps people going — what are they getting right now that motivates them?

2. Focus on intrinsic rewards -— the satisfactions people get directly from their work. Money is a factor in choosing a job, but people remain and stay engaged largely because of these satisfactions.

3. Provide a meaningful purpose. Work activities are empty for people unless they contribute to an overall worthwhile purpose. “Do this,” doesn’t engage people. “Help make this happen,” does.

4. Recognize the importance of visible and measurable progress. It isn’t enough to just pursue an important purpose. To keep up enthusiasm for any project, people need credible evidence that their ongoing efforts are getting results towards that purpose.

5. Give individuals as much choice as they can handle. Making informed choices is a key way people can add value in their work, and a way for them to see their footprints in the progress being made.

6. Provide constructive interpretations of events. Remember how much it helped when friends or family helped you regain perspective when you were discouraged? Without ignoring negative events, help people appreciate the positives in their purposes, progress, and competence -- and remember to keep doing this on an ongoing basis.

Check out Ken's Work Engagement Profile for more details.

Are there any others that should have been included in this list? What do you think of the techniques listed above? Tell us.

The Five Conversations We Need to Have Right Now

Margaret Wheatley is an internationally known bestselling author who has spent a lifetime studying the nature of human interactions and the impact they have. In an exclusive for the BK Communique, she contributed the list below for the five conversations she feels we must have with ourselves as well as with others for the sake of our future:

1. Who is my neighbor? Community is the greatest untapped wealth we have available to us at this time. Do we know who lives nearby? What do we need to do to get to know each other better?

2. How can I cultivate curiosity rather than judgment? It’s not our differences that divide us, but our judgments about each other. Are we willing to be curious to listen to the stories of those we’ve distanced ourselves from?

3. What is my role in creating change? We can no longer wait for leaders or laws to create the changes we need. It’s up to us, and it’s the only way the world ever changes--when a few friends start talking. Am I willing to assume the responsibility for creating the changes I want to see in the world?

4. Am I willing to reclaim time to think? As the world speeds up, we’re forfeiting our most precious human capacities -- reflection, awareness, dreaming, relationship. The only way to restore these capabilities is to slow things down, to reengage in reflection, to pause and truly notice what’s going on.

5. Can I be fearless? Fearlessness is not being free of fear. It means that we do not allow our fears to silence or stop us. What issues and people summon me to be fearless?

Do you agree? Are there other conversations that are equally crucial? Chime in!

Five Tips That Can Improve Your Speed and Performance

As contributed by various members of Berrett-Koehler's staff:

1. Turn off your email, IM messenger, and telephone to concentrate. Whatever time saved by responding to those "quick question" emails and calls while working on a project is illusory. True, it takes only a few minutes to deal with a "quick question" email or phone call, but the time taken to refocus on a project after being distracted outweighs the time saved by dealing with the distractions immediately. You will deal with both your projects and your communications much faster if you handle them separately at separate times.

2. End meetings at a set time -- no matter what. Meetings run long because we allow them to. Get into the habit of adjourning at the scheduled time. Shelve any topics not discussed for the next meeting or, if time sensitive, another time. People will soon tire of having their topics shelved or attending extra meetings and will move meeting discussion topics along faster to meet the scheduled end time.

3. Take breaks. It seems counterintuitive, but taking time off to grab some coffee or go for a short walk actually helps you work faster in the long run because people have more energy when they take time to rest. Many places even encourage catnaps as they have shown to be highly effective in boosting energy during the afternoon stretch.

4. Mix it up. Don't work on one project from beginning to end, especially if it's a longer project. You may find that you tire after a while and work at a slower pace. Switch between two or three projects on an hourly or even half-hourly basis. Though it may feel strange at first, you'll quickly fall into the routine.

5. Eat that frog! If you have one hairy project and two or three smaller projects to finish, it's appealing to complete those smaller projects first and leave that hairy one for later. Of course, each day brings additional smaller projects that cause you to repeatedly set aside that one big project for later. Follow this routine, and that one hairy project remains not only incomplete, but delayed as well. The stress and anxiety around that project increases with time, which in turn slows down progress on the project even further. As Brian Tracy says, "When you have something nasty that you have to do, like eating a frog, do it first!"

Do you have any tips for us or for other readers on how to work better faster? Add them below.

Five Things President Obama Needs to Do Immediately to Help America

MIT Sloan Professor of Management, bestselling author, and considered to be one of the world's top thinkers in organizational matters, Edgar Schein knows group dynamics and motivation. The overarching principle of effective help is that the helper wants to help and is aware of where help is not only needed, but will be accepted if offered.  Given those conditions, here is what Obama should do right away:

1) Stimulate the economy by providing a jobs program.

Nothing is more demoralizing to the citizenry than being out of work or having meaningless work.  The country needs a jobs program to be implemented immediately.


2) Begin work with government and private healthcare providers, practitioners, and industries to work toward comprehensive health care programs for all.

Nothing is more frightening than having health problems without the means or access to address them. Nothing drives families into debt quicker than medical bills.  Not only must costs be curtailed reasonably, but the country needs to a more positive approach that stresses health maintenance over just treatment.


3) Start doing the footwork and research to broker a peace between Israel and the Palestinians.

The conflict has always been there but lately has become expecially bloody and needing of resolution as soon as possible. Locate where the core pain is for both parties and provide positive leadership to create a program that is motivated by the need to resolve that pain. This will lead to a mutually beneficial, two-state solution.


4) Work with economists to establish quantifiable ways to measure overall progress.

A jobs program will stimulate the economy, but we also need to re-engineer or revamp the controls and systems of checks and balances to insure that the people know where the money is going and so that the money will go where it is needed.


5) Begin rebuilding our international reputation as reliable partners in the global fight against terrorism and environmental and atmospheric deterioration.

Our ways of dealing with terrorism and environmental pollution have limited effect and do not inspire other nations to partner with us. Multiple helping relationships must be built with our European, Asian and South American allies to contend with these issues on a global scale because they are global problems and not just national problems. It is imperative that especially in this arena help should only be offered where it is needed.  Unsolicited help quickly leads to imperialism.


Are there any that should have been on this list that weren't? Do you have a list of top five things the president should start focusing on now? Please add your feedback and comments below.

Five To Turn Walls into Bridges

Representative Kyrsten Sinema was born in Tucson, Arizona, in 1976 and has lived in Phoenix since 1995. First elected to the State Legislature in 2004, she was re-elected in 2006 to continue serving central Phoenix in District 15. Kyrsten's book, Unite and Conquer, is out now.

Identifying common ground with someone holding different views from you remains the fundamental first step to building a winning coalition. Too often, we assume that we can't possibly work successfully with others who think differently from us. This fallacy builds walls between us that get in the way of reaching our mutual goals. (For some, it's winning a campaign, and for others, it might be taking over the world.) Consider Kyrsten's five quick tips to help you start breaking the proverbial bread with that person you've always argued with:

1. Laugh. And by laugh, I mean laugh at something other than the person you're working to build a bridge with. I typically start with myself. (Luckily, I have lots of flaws so there's tons to make fun of.) If you are uptight and unable to make fun of yourself, or if you're perfect, then laugh at something harmless - like your mom. Laughing with another person breaks down barriers almost instantly, leaving two people enjoying the happy moment that comes with joy, smiles, and a great joke. Once you've shared a good laugh with another person, neither of you will forget that little bond you share.

2. Chill out. We build walls so quickly, laying brick after brick with every rude, insensitive, boorish, or flat-out wrong comment made by another person. Some people specialize in barbs that psyche you into warp speed, building sky-high walls. Only when we consciously remind ourselves that their barbs and boorish comments are about them, not us, can we stop building and relax. Those who make frequent comments that poke others are simply sharing their insecurities about their own selves or positions. Instead of building higher walls in response, think how lucky you are not to be burdened with that insecurity. Responding maturely without ire will not only prevent your walls from going up, they'll chip away at his/her walls, too.

3. Ask about his/her kids. Or his/her alma mater, or sports, or knitting, or favorite food. Actually, ask about anything. When you take the time to learn a little something about another person's life, you get a glimpse into that person's realness. Not only do you see the other person in a new light, that person will see you in a different light as well. It becomes a lot harder to detest the person who shares the same frustration you feel about your 13 year old daughter's phone habits.

4. Take a walk on the wild side. Spend some time learning about the "other side" - whether that other side means another person, group, or just some stuff you understand. Reading the Economist, listening to a sermon, attending a meeting or lecture, or, in my case, watching Fox News -- all are venues to learn about those who are different than yourself. While much of today's media highlights the differences between us, (trust me on this, I am in politics after all) these are often overblown, cartoonish versions of real people and real life. Spending some time learning about the other peopke or their stuff can help demystify them and perhaps even burst some of your preconceived bubbles about them.

5. Listen. This one remains my favorite. It's also the one I'm worst at. Listening to others can be so hard, especially when I am bursting with so many brilliant things to say! But talking and talking and talking without leaving space in your head to listen only pushes people away. Take time to listen to what others say - and more importantly, what they mean. Listening for understanding can break down parts of the wall that are based on misconceptions, rumors, or faulty facts. Listening also symbolizes respect - listening to another, even if you don't agree with his/her statements tells that person that you care and that you respect him/her.

Do you have any other ideas for building bridges or any comments on Kyrsten's hints? Chime in below.