John Kador's new book focuses on the power of effective apology. John does want to warn you, however, that sometimes issuing an apology is not the right thing to do. Here are five situations where an apology may do more damage than good:
1. When an apology would cause harm.
Delayed apologies—apologies for an event that occurred long ago—are risky. The victim may welcome an apology even after years or decades. Or the apology may revictimize the victim. Here’s the test: if you conclude that your apology is guided more by redemption for yourself than compassion for the victim, then let a direct apology go. Deal with your issues in confession or therapy.
2. When it’s likely that you will repeat the offending behavior.
Be honest. If you can’t commit to ending the offending conduct, then an apology is just another excuse.
3. When you’re not prepared to provide restitution.
You can’t talk your way out of a situation you acted your way into. If you borrowed your friend’s car and got a parking ticket, then you have to pay the fine as the central part of the apology. If you can’t afford to do that, then you can’t afford the apology.
4. When the offense hasn’t happened yet.
Apologizing in advance is bogus. The very essence of apology supposes accepting responsibility for an event that has already taken place, expressing regret that it happened, and promising not to repeat the behavior. Apology is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. To suggest that a proposed behavior is less regrettable if you pre-apologize for it and then do it anyway is just moral laziness.
5. When someone else is responsible for the offense.
It’s meaningless for you to apologize for, say, the excesses of The Crusades. You weren’t there. In technical terms you have no standing to apologize. By the same token, if the party who should apologize refuses to do, you can’t do so on their behalf. What if the offender works for you? You can certainly apologize for your own carelessness (deficiencies in hiring or supervision, for example), but one adult cannot apologize on behalf of another adult.
What do you think? Agree? Disagree? Want to say something? Say it below.
54 comments:
Regarding #5, when someone else is responsible, doesn't rule out the sins of the father. Sometimes they are carried forward in subtle yet equally destructive ways. We see this with human rights violations. In subsequent generations there is often a lack of awareness, yet the egregious behaviors, attitudes, and institutions persist in different, perhaps, but equally destructive forms. This is our human legacy. Apologizing, making amends, providing restitution are all beneficial. But it is a process that cannot be over simplified.
I have more to say regarding #4. Later.
Apologizes can also be cultural. I love going to Britain, but after being there for a month I got so tired of having people say "Sorry" all the time when there was nothing to apologize for. I finally confronted a few of them in a good natured way and said "Why did you say you're sorry? You didn't do anything." They then realized it was second nature and they apologized for always apologizing. Japan the same way. Perhaps it has to do with the island mentality. Constantly wary of stepping on someone's feet. Unfortunately these sort of apologizes ultimately become pointless.
Tattered, it's just a language difference - same as saying "Excuse Me" or "Pardon Me" which are also apologies, though perhaps not as blatant as "Sorry" :-)
I agree with Ana Sierra re cultural apologies - on one level an apology can be an empathetical gesture that means you understand and empathize with a wounding - whether it was you who did the wounding directly or not.
It's like we say "I'm sorry" to the survivors when someone dies, not because it's our fault, but because we are sorry they are suffering. We're just apologizing for Life, in a sense.
I have a hard time agreeing with #4, unless you're willing to draw a clear distinction between apologies and regrets.
I might have to do something, knowing that while it's the best choice among the available evils, it's still going to hurt someone. That being the case, apologizing in advance to the person who's going to be hurt seems to me to be gracious, not morally lazy.
It's good to hear from Ana Sierra, a skilled therapist I've known for many years. So let's get specific. How does a white American apologize for the insitution of slavery? For the average white citizen, it requires an acknowledgment that due to the legacies of the slavery we control unearned privilege. We apologize by recognizing that not all of what we control is because we worked for it. Some of it came to us because of contemporary racism and the legacies of past racism. Then we have to decide how much of what we have is unearned and how to return the excess privilege to its rightful owners. It's not easy to do this.
To me, an apology for slavery must be connected to individual, not collective, responsibility.
Of course, leaders of nations can express remorse for the excesses of the past. But unless there is a restitution step, an apology is little more than rhetoric.
I think that 'sorry' has become just another word that we use to fill a silence, which means that many apologies are really empty statements. Personally, I try to challenge myself to speak more clearly when I find myself about to say 'sorry'. I've found that, in so doing, you are really forced to figure out what it is you mean. I was surprised to find that, in most cases, I'm not actually apologizing but, rather, clarifying, or repeating, or emphasizing...etc etc.
Bob Lewis questions my suggestion that apologizing in advance is morally lazy.
Bob, you're right that the distinction between regret and apology is the key insight.
Again, let's get specific. Let's say that I'm Bob's employee and because business is really bad, he has to terminate me. He hates the task, but it's the best of all the options he has.
Now, it doeesn't make sense for Bob to apologize to me--in advance or even after. Why? Because under the same conditions, he would do the same thing. As long as the firing is professional and courteious, what is Bob taking responsibility for? Doing a difficult job to the bext of his abilities? (Of course, if he mishandles the process, he can apologize for that.)
What he gets to say is that he regrets the choice he has made and the pain it causes. The regret is real. It's important. It's just not an apology.
There's always a way to take personal responsibility for what we do, even when we have little or no control over it But the apology always come after we have made the decision. One suggestion: "John, I apologize for not being clever enough to find a way to preserve your job . . ." To me, that's morally rigorous.
Bob, what do you think?
I think it's important to keep it short when apologizing. "I'm sorry. I was wrong when I did/said X." The more you go on about it, the more likely you are to trip up and start making excuses for yourself. Don't go there!
I think these are all very valid reasons for not saying sorry. My reason is not valid because, well, I hate apologizing. There is always the chance that the person won't accept your apology, and then you look like an idiot. I know, I know, it's about doing the right thing -- but still...
Have you ever ofered a reasonably complete apology and had it rejected?
My research suggests this is a very rare occurence.
If so, I'd like to hear about it. I plan to blog about this possibility, which is real, very scary, and rare.
I recently had an apology rejected. After reading this, I now realize why it upset me so much. I was in a dance class and in the middle of a turn, I accidentally hit my partner in the nose with my elbow. Which is painful enough, but this particular guy had recently had sinus surgery. I was mortified, I apologized profusely, genuinely. But he only kept shouting how much it hurt, repeating "Why would you come out of a turn with your elbow up? You should NEVER have your elbow up!! Never, never, never!" This otherwise pleaseant guy was speaking to me in a very angry and condescending tone. I explained it was an honest accident, I was sorry that I hurt him, that I would never do it again, and I offered to go get him ice. He never once said "It's Ok", accepted my apology or let me off the hook in any way.
I was in tears by the time I left class, I was so upset about what I'd done and how he'd made me feel about it. I continued to be upset for about 2 hours afterword - I could NOT let it go - and now I realize it's because he never accepted my apology.
The following week in class, I tried to avoid him, but was forced to rotate to dance with him at the end of class. I approached him with a joke, "Are you sure you want to risk it?" and he finally eased up and let me off the hook with, "Oh yeah! You're a great dancer and I always want to dance with you. I was just so upset last week because I just had surgery 2 months ago and I was afraid I was going to hemorrhage in class - I'd been having bad nosebleeds. I know it was an accident." Even with this, though, the whole experience left a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to this man.
I think my issue with apology stems from the whole 12-step program that most recovery patients have to go through. The roughest patch is when you have to apologize to all those you have wronged. Sometimes you have done something so bad that no apology can really heal the wound -- especially if years have passed since. That person may have put the event in their past and dealt with it, but by me going in and apologizing, I open the wound right up again.
Sometimes I think apologies are selfish. Even when they work, we say "Well, I tried." Sometimes you just have to carry your own weight. I think, though, that this fits in with Mr. Kador's rule about not apologizing if you can't make restitution.
Great list!
I commit the error listed as #5 all the time and I hate myself for it. I just feel like I have to say something on the behalf of others. Your point is solid -- doing so makes no sense. Thanks John! This is a very helpful list.
Carrie's story is very moving. I could feel how upset she was that she hurt someone by accident, apologized profusely, and yet the other person refused to say that he understood that she didn;t mean it and that he accepted her apology.
The good news is that he eventually did accept the apology, even if he didn't do it as quickly and as formally as Carrie might like.
I take two lessons from this story. One, there's a difference between rejecting an apology and not accepting it immediately. Sometimes it takes time for the victim to get it together. Second, I congratulate Carrie for remaining in the dance class. Less confident people might have just dropped out in an effort to avoid the awkward feelings. And then the possibillity of apology would have ended. As it is, the relationship, such as it is, is restored and maybe, who knows, can evolve in a new way that would have been impossible without the injury/apology/reconciliation.
I believe that any apology that does nothing other than express regret should be avoided. Apologies that merely express regret often come with expectations of forgiveness or acceptance from the other party. This kind of attachment to outcome lessens the power of the process. If you have done something you regret, take responsibility for it first. Own the error. Accept the consequences of your actions.
Apologies don't make things right. They don't fix anything. They just provide evidence of personal acknowledgement of wrongdoing. Personally, I would rather see people stand up and own their egregious behavior, accept the consequences, and work to make restitution wherever possible. The fact that someone says they are sorry (an internal issue) does nothing for me. Repentance is a spiritual process not a practical procedure.
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