Four Ineffective and Old Questions We Ask Ourselves and Four New Questions We Should Be Asking Instead

Marilee Adams' first book focused on the questions we should ask ourselves to move

Buy the Book Here

forward instead of remaining stuck in ruts. In her latest book, she applies the same question-based methodology to educational approaches and teaching.

Many of the difficult situations we find ourselves in can best be analyzed and overcome by stopping to assess one’s own mindset. We could be coming from either  a “Judger mindset” (close-minded and critical) or a “Learner mindset” (open-minded and discerning). Because of the natural tendency to lapse into Judger mindset, we tend to ask ourselves the same old limiting questions with the same old disappointing results. Here are some examples of common (Judger) questions and why they don’t work – and what (Learner) questions you should be asking yourself instead:

1. A Question We Normally Ask Ourselves: “Why don’t things ever seem to work out for me?”

The Question We Should Ask Instead: “What do I want—for both myself and others?”

We often neglect thinking about what we want in a particular situation or just thoughtlessly jump into action. Nevertheless, continuously asking oneself about goals and intentions is the “true north” of effective behaviors and satisfying outcomes. Otherwise, we’re primed to get what we don’t want!  Of course, thinking about others as well as ourselves makes the win-win difference.

2. A Question We Normally Ask Ourselves: “Why isn’t that person responding to me the way I wanted them to?”

The Question We Should Ask Instead: “Am I in Learner mindset or Judger mindset right now?

People often don’t recognize the impact of their own mindset on others and end up wondering why they don’t get the responses they wanted. Learning to simply notice your own mindset in a neutral, non-judgmental way, moment by moment, is the basis of being free to have the best communications and relationships as well as to make the most effective choices. If you discover you’re in Judger mindset, you can choose to switch to Learner instead. To learn about the power of mindsets, click here for a free online tool that includes a video, interviews and an informational PDF. 

3. A Question We Normally Ask Ourselves: “Why won’t this rude person listen to me?”

The Question We Should Ask Instead: “Am I listening with Learner ears or Judger ears?”

People often don’t understand why others don’t listen to them. Yet we seldom question whether we’re listening ourselves or even how we’re listening. The ability to identify which mindset we are listening from helps us identify and alter our listening so that communication can be more productive and satisfying for everyone. If you notice you’re feeling either defensive or angry, you may be listening with Judger ears.

4. A Question We Normally Ask Ourselves: “How can I prove I’m right?”

The Question We Should Ask Instead: “What assumptions am I making?”

Our aim is often to prove ourselves right or even to prove the other person wrong. Sadly, we’re all familiar with what happens when someone is on such a mission—self-righteousness, oppositional stalemates, anger, and conflict. Continually questioning one’s assumptions is a core discipline of the most effective thinking and problem-solving. Searching for and challenging assumptions also empowers one’s ability to listen with Learner ears. 

5. The Question We Normally Ask Ourselves: “Who or what is stopping me from getting what I want?”

The Question We Should Ask Instead: “Who do I choose to be in this moment?"

Assuming that circumstances or other people control your life makes it all but impossible to take responsibility for oneself. Personal power begins with claiming authorship of our own lives, and that’s why, regardless of the circumstances, this fifth question is always the crucial one; it places each of us directly in the present moment as the prime mover of our own experiences, relationships and outcomes.

Four Situations Where We "Tell" Instead of "Ask"

Buy the Book Here

Ed Schein’s newest book argues that our cultural tendency to “tell” instead of “asking” gets in the way of solving problems and accomplishing tasks.  When two or more people have to work together to accomplish anything, they need to communicate openly, and that can only be achieved with trust.  To build that trust, they must ask each other genuine questions based on being interested in each other. Humble Inquiry is that form of asking.

Here are four common situations where people should be using Humble Inquiry instead of just giving advice or telling the other person what to do.

Situation 1.  The “all knowing advice giver.” A person when asked for help who automatically assumes the he or she knows what will be helpful based on assumptions about what the asker knows or has already done.

Examples: I ask an IT person for help on completing something via phone and he says, “Just hit the pound sign,” except that I haven’t a clue as to what the “pound sign” is.  I ask a friend what to do about my troubled relationship with my girlfriend and he says, “Just tell her where you stand -- be totally honest with her.” He doesn't realize that I was honest about a sensitive issue and that is what gave rise to the trouble in our relationship in the first place.

Situation 2.  The leader assuming that he or she knows enough to tell the subordinate what to do.

Examples: “Here is what I want you to try” says the boss, throwing out directions before hurrying off, not waiting to learn that subordinate has already tried what was suggested with no success.  The doctor tells the  patient to take the pills at bedtime but does not know (or bother to inquire) about the fact that the patient works different shifts and so has a variety of bedtimes.

Situation 3.  The leader who needs feedback from employees or team members but has created a climate in which they do not feel secure doing so.

Examples: This is where a selective memory can be the culprit. The boss assumes that everyone knows he is “open” to talking about anything, but he does not remember also telling his subordinates “Don't bring me a problem unless you also bring me the solution.”  The surgeon who wants his nurse and tech to speak up  all the time, but does not remember how his behavior of yelling at them in the past has made them hesitant to do so. The boss or doctor doesn't remember, but people do.

Situation 4.  Asking a question that isn’t really a question.

Example: “Don't you agree that to get our job done we all need to be open, trusting, and collaborative with each other?”  This sort of a (non)question forces the respondent to say "yes" without exploring the issues further and getting clear on what needs to happen. As a result, even though the answer is "yes," it is an answer in the abstract since no real trust or understanding has been established.

Four Reasons to Stop Worrying About the Future

Buy Bob's Book Here

In Bob Miglani's latest book, he discusses the idea of embracing chaos and accepting it as an inevitable fact of life.

Here are four truths to help you deal with anxiety and uncertainty of a chaotic and unknowable future:
 
1. You can’t predict the future.  
The main tenet of a lot of our life stress and frustration is this nagging and seemingly scary feeling deep inside that you just don’t know what’s going to happen next.  From your career to your relationship to the way your kids will turn out to how things will play out in your business—it is getting harder to figure things out accurately. And it bugs us and eats us up slowly from the inside causing this vicious spiral of worrying and anxiety. Accept it that you are powerless to predict the future, because you’re likely going to be wrong…and guess what?  You’ll worry even more!

So what can I do?  So stop trying to predict the future and instead try to make changes today and now. That's something you have some control over, and it's probably the best way to hedge the bets in your favor when it comes to future success.


2. Even if you could predict the future, you can’t control it.  
Luck, randomness and chance contribute so much to the unpredictable nature of life that it is just unrealistic to think you can control things even if you have a good idea of what may happen. I have a hard enough time controlling my kids, so it would be foolish to think I can control my career or anything else. Break the root of worry by realizing that you cannot control or dictate things to just be.  It’s just not possible to have total control of your life when you are so intertwined with so much of the world (i.e. butterfly effect). 

So what can I do? Deal with the uncertainty of an unknown future by focusing your energy the only the things you can control:  Your thoughts and actions. You can control your mind, so task it to deal with those things that are within your control now and leave the worrying for another time.


3. You’re afraid that you're missing the best time of your life, not realizing that the best time is now.  
There is so much you miss in life when your head is in the clouds worrying about an uncertain future.  ”My kids grew up in a blink of an eye”, is what so many people say these days. The fact is that we spend a lot of time worrying about a future that we have no control over, and wasting the present which we do have control over. Imagine, you’re here on this rock for a short time and you’re missing the best part because you’re caught up with trying to figure out the future.
 
So what can I do? Be in the present moment. Being in the here and now is the only truth, so now is the best time of your life, so act like it. When you recognize this fact, you’ll be more productive in your career and your relationships. 


4. Sometimes the worst is not as bad as you think.
We often blow things out of proportion and exaggerate the bad that only our own mind thinks is going to happen (without any real evidence). What initially starts off as the "worst case scenario" starts more and more to sound like a realistic outcome. I realized that when I looked back at the chaos of life that I’ve gone through, it wasn’t all that bad.  Sometimes, you don’t even remember it.

So what can I do? Realize that a worst case scenario is as unlikely to happen as the ideal scenario because both are exaggerations of potential outcomes. We often doubt that best case scenarios will happen but take worst case scenarios as inevitable -- why? Both are equally likely and so equally unlikely. What actually happens is usually something in the middle -- and way more manageable than you anticipated it would be.

Four Myths About Reimagining Your Life

Buy the Book Here

Most of us want to believe that we can reimagine our life's second chapter and purpose, but allow negative and inaccurate thinking to stop us from doing just that. Here is author Richard Leider's list of four common myths that stop us from seeking out our next purpose:

Myth #1: To now have a new possibility means I must do something completely original. Can you really recall anything that is totally new? Almost every idea or creation is an extension or synthesis of previous efforts. New breakthroughs are built on existing fundamental truths. Like runners in a relay race, we simply do our part to carry the baton another leg of the race.

Myth #2: Only a few gifted or skilled people are able to discover new paths and possibilities in their lives. This is the most commonly rationalized of all myths. History, however, is filled with great contributions made by ordinary people who had virtually no experience or expertise in the areas where they thrived in their lives' second chapter. In fact, being a "seasoned novice" gives us permission and courage to step into things with fresh passion and purpose.

Myth #3: What I want to do next will come as inspiration or revelation. Until that time comes, I will wait. Inspiration comes to those who seek it. We don't find beautiful shells unless we're on the beach. If we believe in the the "miracle moment" theory, we rarely will find it. If we wait for "a sign," we end up being waiters for the rest of our lives.

Myth #4: It's too late; I'm too old. This something you do when you're younger.
Realizing new possibilities is a cradle-to-grave quest. Situations and people change every day and continue to change throughout our life. As long as there is change, there are new opportunities. Keep in mind that you now also have two things you had less of before: time and experience. Use them.

The Three Biggest Myths About How to Eradicate Poverty

Buy the Book Here

In their new book, Paul Polak and Mal Warwick discuss how business and entrepreneurship is the key to fighting poverty and creating lasting economic change and progress globally.

There are still unfortunately many myths about poverty and how to eradicate it. Here are the three biggest ones:

Myth #1: You can donate money to help people out of poverty

Why it's not true: Giving people money or free stuff is harmful. If it’s just a one-time thing with no guarantee of renewal, it simply reinforces the attitudes of inadequacy that hobble so many poor people. And if the giveaway is actually sustained over time, it creates dependency. Both effects are extremely undesirable. In any case, there’s just not enough money in all the foundations in the world to give away enough to the 2.7 billion people in the world who live on $2 a day or less. Poor people have to make an investment of their own time and money to move out of poverty. Only then will they have a chance to improve their lives and those of their families.


Myth #2: National economic growth can end poverty

Why it's not true: Most economists view an increase in a country’s per capita GDP as the leading indicator of poverty reduction, but this entirely misses the point. Growth in GDP inevitably boosts the income of those at the top of the economic heap, and to a limited extent those in the middle class, but it rarely trickles down to the poor at the bottom of the pyramid. Even if government resources are invested in programs to subsidize the poor, a large proportion of the money is routinely siphoned off through corruption. In the developing countries of Asia, Africa, Latin America, and the Middle East, the effect of increasing a country’s economic output is typically to widen the gap between rich and poor, not to narrow it.

Myth #3: The UN, the World Bank, and nonprofit organizations are taking care of the problem.

Why it's not true: The advocates of foreign aid and philanthropy typically insist that they are making great headway in reducing poverty in the world. However, the 2.7 billion people today who live on $2 a day or less is greater than the entire population of the planet in 1950, around the time when the global fight against poverty began. In fact, the traditional approaches to eradicating poverty have failed—because they plan from the top down, they ignore poor people’s own views of what they need, they are prey for corrupt officials, and they direct nearly all their efforts at more prosperous people in towns and cities and not among the desperately poor people who predominate in the countryside.

Five Surprising Answers to Five Common Questions About American Indians

Buy the Book Here

With the release of The Seven Paths, we celebrate the wisdom and teachings of several American Indian nations. American Indian culture has been appropriated by a number of individuals and groups who have lent their own interpretations to it. In some cases, those interpretations are incorrect, even if well-meaning. In other cases, they lead to complete misinformation.

Based on reports from the American Indian Movement, Assembly of First Nations, and the American Indian Library Association, the following five questions are those that are most often asked of their membership:

1. What percentage of American Indian lineage do I need to prove to call myself a Native American?

There exists no universally accepted rule for establishing a person's identity as an Indian. The criteria for tribal membership differs from one tribe to the next. To determine a particular tribe's criteria, one must contact that tribe directly. For its own purposes, the Bureau of the Census counts anyone an Indian who declares to be such. By recent counts, there are over 2.4 million Native Americans.


2. Isn't it offensive or not politically correct to call Native Americans as Indians?

The term "Native Americans" came into usage in the 60s -- mostly by outsiders who wanted to convey respect to the indigenous peoples. That said, the term "American Indian" is not offensive to most self-identified American Indians for two reasons:

+ The languages of the treaties and of government organizations as well as tribal rights and support groups all use the word "Indian." It is a legitimate term.

+ The term "Native American" also refers to Hawaiians and Samoans, so it is often inaccurate in terms of who is specifically being identified.


3. What criteria does the government use to "federally recognize" a tribe? What stops any native group from demanding tribal status?

A group has to contain people bound together by blood ties who are socially, politically, and religiously organized, who lived together in a defined territory, and who speak a common language or dialect. Given how challenging it can be to prove such things, the process of gaining recognition is lengthy and tedious. There are currently more than 550 recognized tribes in the United States.


4. What exactly does having "Tribal Sovereignty" mean? Are you truly a different nation?

Tribal sovereignty describes the right of federally recognized tribes to govern themselves and the existence of a government-to-government relationship with the United States. Thus a tribe is not a ward of the government, but an independent nation with the right to form its own government, adjudicate legal cases within its borders, levy taxes within its borders, establish its membership, and decide its own future fate. The federal government has a trust responsibility to protect tribal lands, assets, resources and treaty rights.


5.  How is it that American Indians can claim to be independent entities living on sovereign land but still receive payments from the federal government?

This is one of the most popular myths but it remains (unfortunately for Indians) quite untrue. Indians do not receive payments from the federal government simply because they have Indian blood. Funds distributed to a person of Indian descent may represent mineral lease income on property that is held in trust by the United States or compensation for lands taken in connection with governmental projects. Some Indian tribes receive benefits from the federal government in fulfillment of treaty obligations or for the extraction of tribal natural resources - a percentage of which may be distributed as per capita among the tribes membership.

Changing the World in Five Movements

Buy the Book Here

Otto Scharmer and Katrin Kaeufer, their latest book, Leading from the Emerging Future. These movements develop the capacity for “presencing,” which is experiencing the future as if it were “wanting to be born,” explain  how we can move towards a better global future by discarding the self-centered ego-system and transforming to a whole-focused eco-system using the five movements inherent to Theory U.

The five movements are:

1. Co-initiating: Build Common Intent by stopping and listening to others and to what life calls you to do. Key stakeholders gather together with the intention of making a difference in a situation that really matters to them and to their communities. As they coalesce into a core group, they maintain a common intention around their purpose, the people they want to involve, and the process they want to use. The context that allows such a core group to form is a process of deep listening—listening to what life calls you and others to do.

2. Co-sensing: Observe, Observe, Observe and go to the places of most potential and listen with your mind and heart wide open. The limiting factor of transformational change is not a lack of vision or ideas, but an inability to sense—that is, to see deeply, sharply, and collectively. When the members of a group see together with depth and clarity, they become aware of their own collective potential—almost as if a new, collective organ of sight was opening up. Goethe put it eloquently: “Every object, well contemplated, opens up a new organ of perception within us.”

3. Presencing: Connect to The Source of Inspiration, and Will, and go to the place of silence and allow the inner knowing to emerge. This entails crossing  a threshold that requires a “letting go” of everything that is not essential. At the same time that we drop the non-essential aspects of the self, we also open ourselves to new aspects of our highest possible future self. The essence of presencing is the experience of the coming in of the new and the transformation of the old. Once a group crosses this threshold, nothing remains the same. Individual members and the group as a whole begin to operate with a heightened level of energy and sense of future possibility.

4. Co-creating: Prototype the New in living examples to explore the future by doing.  The prototype is part of the sensing and discovery process in which we explore the future by doing rather than by thinking and reflecting. The co-creation movement of the U journey results in a set of small living examples that explore the future by doing. It also results in a vibrant and rapidly widening network of change-makers who leverage their learning across prototypes and who help each other deal with whatever innovation challenges they face.

5. Co-evolving: Embody the New in Ecosystems that facilitate seeing and acting from the whole. Review what has been learned from the prototypes and then decide which prototypes might have the highest impact on the system or situation at hand. Coming up with a sound assessment at this stage often requires the involvement of stakeholders from other institutions and sectors. Very often, what you think you will create at the beginning of the U process is quite different from what eventually emerges. The co-evolving movement results in an innovation ecosystem that connects high -- leverage prototype initiatives with the institutions and players that can help take it to the next level of piloting and scaling, and eventually, global.